girl talk

One of the biggest mysteries for me is women. Sometimes I enjoy pondering the female mind: it’s like envisioning a square-circle. I don’t know when I started thinking about this topic, but I have thought about this on-and-off for, pretty much, my whole adult life. I have been thinking of how women don’t really mean what they say. That is to say, what women say is not what men hear. Let me give a few examples: (I cannot, of course, speak for everyone – everyone is different – but generally these do apply)

1. I want a man with a sense of humor – I don’t know how many times I have heard women say that they love a man with a good sense of humor. Yet, the funniest guys I know are single, or have the worst time getting into or keeping relationships. What women are really saying is that I want a man who has a ‘girls’ sense of humor.’ It would be more accurate to say, ‘I want a man who can make me laugh.’ I am not saying that women are lying about wanting a man with a good sense of humor, but that women and men have different types of humor. The reason some of my most humorous friends are single is because their humor does not translate. Women do not like humor that is biting, overly sarcastic, cutting, sharp, hurtful, rough, etc. This is where most men find their humor. Women would rather hear jokes that are silly, light hearted, and fun. You can be acidulous but it has to be in moderation, or introverted. Anything more than that will seem mean and cold-hearted.

2. I never get flowers on the first date – First, I have yet to meet a woman, under 45, who is in a serious relationship with a man who got them flowers on the first date. I am hard-pressed to find one. I think there are two things going on here: the Hollywood movie fantasy, and already-in-a-relationship mindset (they are distinct yet interrelated). The Hollywood movie fantasy is the presupposed love of the two people. Every woman has a romantic movie that they love, and from the get-go she knows these two characters will fall in love. Even if she has never seen the movie, she knows these are the two main characters, so the odds are they will fall in love. So there is a heightened sense of romance from the get go. Which leads me to the second point and that is the already-in-a-relationship mindset. What this does is takes this assumed committed relationship and reads back into the previous action. So when, in the movie, a man brings flowers (or any other overly romantic gesture, for a person who has only known her for 2 days) she is taking the inevitability of their relationship and reads it back into the beginning. For as I already said, she previously assumes they will end up together. As far as she is concerned, they are already in that relationship when he is giving her the flowers. Second, I really don’t know what this does mean, but one thing is for sure, it does not mean you should get them flowers on the first date. That is a sure sign you are on the too-much-too-soon road, and heading toward friendship junction. Every person, man or woman, wants a sense of mystery. Even if she enjoys a movie that has the certitude of knowing ‘they will end up together’ real life does not yield to this thinking. She wants a life drama that oozes a slow and steady development of an affinity. In reality, it seems to me, when women say they want roses on the first date they are really saying, ‘wouldn’t it be nice, that the man I marry, brought me flowers on the first date, then I will always have this cherished memory of our love.’ As a result, I only get flowers for women I have already established a relationship with. This does not exclude you from doing nice things, but don’t be overly romantic too soon. In the end, if there is a relationship that develops, she will take the ‘nice things’ and turn them into the ‘overly romantic gestures.’

Ultimately, as everyone knows, women are relationship minded, so things they say have to be seen through that lens. ‘I want a man with a good sense of humor,’ what she wants is a man who will make her laugh. I think this also means she wants a relationship with a man she can be safe enough to enjoy herself with and not feel under attack. When she says she wants flowers on the first date, she really wants a relationship that she can look back on and see how you have been caring for her from the beginning. In conclusion, be girl funny and never give her flowers on the first date.